WordPress Blog

Is this what it ultimately comes down to?

sex, sexual expression and patriarchy

I often wonder, what is the point of sex for a woman in India? Is it about pleasure, about reproduction or is it simply a pain in the ass (figuratively)? Why are young, successful and confident women so conflicted when it comes to sexual expression?

As a part of the generation which grew up in an era when sex and the city was airing on TV, I often wonder why women in India living in metropolitan cities cannot have the sexual freedom that our counterparts enjoy abroad?

Let me tell you the story of an Indian woman and her sexual experiences. Maybe that will shed some light. It all started the day she got her first period. She had been waiting for it eagerly. Though, she probably didn’t even understand why. She just knew all her friends had had theirs, and they carried it around like a secret. They whispered about it, and it was about time she joined that covert group.

The day she got hers, she told her mother, and she was told its normal. But that’s where it ended. Nothing further on what it means for her, for her body or why it happens.

Her next experience with her sexuality started when she got her first serious boyfriend. He was a nice guy. But they were both teenagers, the hormones were raging and to a person who had not been exposed to sex at all, it was a scary experience. Indian households are so hush-hush about sex, its all behind closed doors. As a typical Indian child, you have probably never seen the slightest show of affection between your parents. No hand holding, no hugging and definitely not kisses. To children who have been brought up in such households, all these things are put under the same category. To hold hands, to shower affectionate kisses on someone you love is just as forbidden, just as taboo as the actual act of sex. They can’t differentiate between what is a show of affection and what is about physical pleasure. So when this girl had her first boyfriend, she couldn’t either. She decided that since she had let him hold her hand, she might as well go all the way. But the one thing she didn’t count on was the shame she felt. Every time she was aroused and she pulled her boyfriend towards her, she let him take her clothes off, or took his off in the moment, one thing she could count on was the never ending waves of shame, guilt and insecurity that came with this.

Now way beyond her teenage years, the girl still feels this. Sex is a shameful act. The shame of it can only be taken away by having the man make a commitment to you that he will stick around for a few more nights. In earlier years, that commitment meant marriage. But even today’s generation cannot escape the patriarchy. They have amended the earlier definitions of commitment to mean a long term committed relationship. For any girl out there, who expresses her sexuality without giving a thought to commitment, she must learn to live with judgement and ridicule.

Shame the woman and praise the man, that is a way of life out here.